This new website Stuff White People Like is blowing up on the internet. Apparently with Dave Chappelle off the air, people haven’t gotten their fix of racial humor. Basically the way the site works is they pick something white people like and describe it. Stuff like reading the Times on Sunday, eating expensive sandwiches and threatening to move to Canada. I’d like to submit a few entries for their consideration.

#1 Monopolizing resources

The vicious cycle of poverty in the black community is inescapable for most — better teachers are assigned to white neighborhoods with more income. After hoarding all the resources, white people like to role around in it like their infamous “jump in piles of money” parties.

#2 Nooses

You don’t see black people taunting whites with a common symbol of their heritage’s deaths: the IV drip. After leading long fulfilling lives with access to the best health care, white people suffer slow deteriorations around the age of 110. But black people don’t leave IV drips on their front porches.

#3 Shooting Sean Bell 50 times

Seven shots doesn’t kill a black man as 50 cent proved. So best to tack on an additional 43 just to be safe.

#4 Calling me racist

White people like to say, “You know what I think, Al Sharpton is really the racist!” as if no one ever come up with that conclusion before.

Ok I admit it. That’s really all I know for sure. White people have always been a mysterious people to me and I admit that my understanding of them can be somewhat limited and conspiratorial. So forgive me if these next ones are more of a stretch:

#5 Peeing in the stall instead of the urinal

And don’t give me no excuse about splash back.

#6 Lava

Nothing beckons a white person like exploring an active volcano.

#7 Bicentennial celebrations

Powdered wigs and hating on the Torries.