Image courtesy of imdb.com

Hey gang. I got some serious backlash from my hipster column, so I though I should be fair and take some swipes at their sworn enemies, the yuppies. Right off the bat, let’s be clear about some things. A yuppie is a Young Urban Professional, so before you go off saying “Chris, get out of the 80’s,” please recognize that yuppies have been around for as long as youth, cities, and professions, which is to say forever. They continue to infect our cities, and will do so for as long as legacy status remains a sufficient Ivy League qualification and conspicuous spending remains an efficient mating strategy. Which is to say, again, forever. Yuppies will outlive the cockroaches. So lets make fun of them:

1. When yuppies dance, both of their feet remain FIRMLY planted to spots on the floor. It is as if the yuppie thinks a high-voltage current is passing through him, and if he lifts his foot, he will suffer a fatal discharge. Fatal. That is how serious yuppies take this foot rule.
2. Yuppies will only discuss cars by their number, never by make. They will toss around numbers like LS450 and 3-series, and if they do not immediately see a flash of recognition in your eyes, they will just assume that you have a micropenis.
3. Yuppies have a peculiar talent whereby, within the first six minutes of meeting you, they can divert the discussion towards details of their life that they hope will impress you. This typically involves letting you know that they had a college scholarship or played a varsity sport. But the particular details are inconsequential. It is the conversational acrobatics that yuppies employ to impart these details to you that are so impressive. For instance, yuppy males absolutely love to alert you that they have a great girlfriend, and they might do so thusly:

Me: Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Christopher Walken.
Yuppy: Walken? My girlfriend loves walking! She walks everywh…
(shotgun blast)

4. Yuppies know the names of all the tall buildings in the city, and if you attend a rooftop party, they will not hesitate to take an hour out of your night to educate you. They will be sure to speak very loudly so that all the other yuppies around are aware of their skyscraper nomenclature mastery.
5. There are no real-life yuppies as cool as Patrick Bateman. He is a golden god.

Image courtesy of imdb.com
6. Yuppies like to go slumming in the Lower East Side, because it is the only part of Manhattan that is “still real.” YEAH, BECAUSE YOU MOUTHBREATHERS RUINED THE REST OF IT.
7. Yuppies do not have actual conversations with one another. The simply wait for their turn to regurgitate something that TV told them earlier. If you regularly interact with yuppies, you can recognize this phenomenon and take advantage of it. When you are trying to talk to one of these robots, you will notice their eyes glaze over as they recite their upcoming line over and over in their head. It is at this moment that you should say something absolutely absurd, just to see if you can slip it by. For instance:

Yuppy: You catch that Cowboys game this weekend?
Me: Yes, I saw parts of it.
Yuppy: Did you see T.O. crying afterwards? What a PUSSY!
Me: Indeed.
Yuppy: You think he was faking it? I think he was faking it.
Me: Well, tough to tell. I mean, he is a complex person…
Yuppy: (glaze)
Me: …additionally, I heard he has a small vestigial tail, and if you lick it, you acquire the magical power to intuit a person’s most ticklish spot, simply by sniffing them…
Yuppy: (pause)
Yuppy: Romo should’ve focused on the playoffs, not on that tramp Jessica Simpson.

Ok, I think that’s it for now. Rest assured that the vanities remain in flames. Feel free to add your own nuggets of yuppie anthropology.

Until the next episode of I Hate A Specific Demographic…